There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
