I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
