I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
