omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
