you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
