I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
