I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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