Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
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