So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
