Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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