From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
