peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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