Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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