it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
