I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
