I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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