I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
