I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
