The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
MIDGETS
????
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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