Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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