I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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