Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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