I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
