She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
