just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i've created a new STD.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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