i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
