Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
