I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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