I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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