Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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