I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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