The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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