Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
