I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
