I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
