R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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