I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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