Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
