I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
