I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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