this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
