So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
