tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
