Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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