Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
