Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
