After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
