When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
