dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
