i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
