I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
