last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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