Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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