remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
